This year has been quite an unusual one for everyone. Life has suddenly come to a standstill because of the pandemic. So, this year was tough for me as well. The pandemic and one of the toughest years of my life ever has taught me that nothing in life is certain. I came back to my hometown for my Holi vacations from Delhi (where I’m currently studying). And here I am, still at my home after nine months (because of the corona-led shutdown of colleges).
I was ecstatic at first. I was getting to stay at home for such a long time after two years. I was clueless that this vacation would change so many things in my life. Five years ago, I was madly in love with a guy. We were in a relationship. Though many people had warned me to stay away from him, I never believed anyone.
Three years later, he told me that he never loved me. He was in a relationship with someone else even before we had met. I completely broke down, left him and never talked to him after that. I always believed that one can’t force someone to love them. That is why I didn’t say anything to him. Yes, it took me some time to process everything, but I didn’t share this incident with anyone. It was hard to face anyone who had warned me against him.
I really wanted to share it with someone but I had no courage. This was my first heartbreak. In the process of forgetting my heartbreak, I entered in a relationship with a guy who loved me (as he used to say). It was casual from my side, I was not serious at all. And this turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.
This casual fling turned my life upside down. This guy wanted to know everything — from where I was going to whom I was talking to, etc. I was not happy about it, but couldn’t say anything. This year, when I went home for my Holi vacations, we started fighting a lot. After that day, I thought it’d be the end. I didn’t call or message him. Honestly, I didn’t even want to. I really felt free that day, after so long!
Unfortunately, I was wrong. Very wrong. It was not the end. it was the beginning of the worst phase of my life. My punishment for having a casual fling as a girl was about to start. During lockdown, I started talking to my neighbour (my crush at some point in my past). I was sure I didn’t want any relationship. Just friendship. He told me that I was his crush too. But I never accepted his request on any social networking site.
The frequency of our chats increased, then began calls and video calls. Surprisingly, he baked a cake for me on my birthday. Our chemistry was awesome. We used to talk till 3 in the morning. We started sharing everything with each other. Now, I wanted him badly in my life. I was unable to control my feelings. I was falling for him more and more every day. Though when he proposed to me, I didn’t respond to him. I demanded some more time to think.
The worst happened then. My lover, who had now become so abusive, started sending me our private chats and disgusting messages about my body. He started threatening me to share it on social media. I told my crush everything. They both started fighting and this made the matter worse for me.
I apologised to him several times, but he wanted to take revenge. I don’t know what he told my crush, but he left me suddenly. He left me without giving me any reason.
Second massive heartbreak. I was completely shattered.
After four months passed, I somehow gathered the courage to message him to ask him about the reason for our separation. I told him that I still love him so much. But he chose to not respond to my messages. He doesn’t even look at me now. It’s been seven months, but that guy often threatens me even now. My family don’t know anything yet. They have been my biggest support throughout. I couldn’t have borne this had I been staying alone in Delhi.
Honestly, my relationships and heartbreaks have badly affected my mental health. I feel guilty for being in a casual affair, but I can’t change anything now. This has made me realise, no matter how hard you try, people leave. Now, I just want peace in my life. I deserve it. Everything will fall into place one day.
As they say, “This too shall pass!” A piece of advice to anyone who is reading it: Don’t lose yourself. Don’t forget yourself. You have only got one life. Live it to the fullest because nobody knows, Kal Ho Na Ho!