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‘I Couldn’t Take The Taunts Anymore’: Indian Men Open Up About Oppressive Gender Roles

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Editor’s Note: This post is a part of What's A Man, a series exploring masculinity in India, in collaboration with Dr. Deepa Narayan. Join the conversation here!

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By Kiran Rai:

From playthings to grown-up stuff, the lines of what men can and cannot do are very clearly drawn. And the social pressure to conform has burst many a young dreams. If you thought otherwise, hear these men out!


Men Get The Daily Bread

Rohit*, 28, Sales Representative, Bangalore: After finishing college, all my friends picked up jobs or joined their family businesses. I loved photography and chose to be an unpaid intern for a well-known photographer.  However, my parents started pressuring me to take up a job as I had been ‘jobless’ for almost six months.

I asked them why didn’t they have the same expectations from my elder sister Jyoti, who was also pursuing painting after college. “Why is she not working?” I asked. My dad said it would be unethical of him to expect Jyoti to earn. “It’s the men who have to bring home food,” he said. I got so frustrated with all the sarcasm that I took up a sales job and gave up on my dream to become a photographer.

Babies Are For Mummies

Raunak*, 28, Homemaker, Chandigarh: Kavish was a year old when my wife got a promotion and was transferred to another city. She was earning well so I decided to move with her, quit my job and raise our son by being a stay-at-home dad.

One day, as I took Kavish to the park, one of our neighbours cornered me and said, “I have a vacancy in my office. Do you want to apply?” I politely told him that I am happy taking care of my son for now and was not looking for a job. The man probably could not digest what I said and asked me if I was joking and why I was doing a ‘woman’s work’ of raising a baby?

I maintained my cool and said, “Brother, I do not know which year you are living in. It is 2018. My child is not just my wife’s responsibility, but mine too.” We are very happy with our arrangement.

Dolls For Girls, Guns For Boys

Kiran*, 29, Social Activist, Gurugram: It was my nephew’s birthday a few days ago and I wanted to buy him a gift. I told the shopkeeper to show me a birthday gift for an 8-year-old child. The first question that he asked, “Is the child a boy or a girl?” Surprised by his question, I asked, “How does it matter?

If it’s a girl then I will show you dolls, art and craft sets and if it’s a boy then cricket sets or guns, it helps with the selection,” he said as a matter of fact. I chided the shopkeeper for his views and purposefully said, “Show me that dollhouse for an 8-year-old boy. And yes, Barbie dolls are his favorite. Show the other dolls too and quickly.” He was taken aback but regained his composure to show me what I wanted. As I left the shop, I wondered, how even playthings defined what a girl or boy could or couldn’t do.

Nail Polish Is For Girls

Nisha*, 35, Noida: One evening, as I was drinking tea with friends, my 9-year-old son Abhinav came to show me his freshly painted nails. My friend was really surprised to see Abhinav’s coloured nails and zapped, “What have you done?” Before she could humiliate my son, I looked at Abhinav and said, “Oh, wow it is so beautiful!“He was elated and went back in.

There was a surprised look on my friend’s face but she resisted any further comment. However, this parental protection was short lived. A few days later, he was crying on his way back from his tuition class, because he was teased by other children for his coloured nails. I tried to mollify him telling him he could do what he liked and paint his nails. But to no avail. He just removed the nail colour with sadness in his eyes.

Boys Don’t Cry

Faiz, 21, Student, Faizabad: I have always been a very sensitive person and would cry on every little thing as a child.  Whenever I cried, I was scolded and told, ‘Stop crying like girls,’ or ‘boys don’t cry.’ I often used to wonder if men were not supposed to cry then how come they have tears?

One day, my dear grandmother passed away. Since I was really attached to her, I felt deeply saddened by her death. ‘Get up, be like a real man and help us.’ I ignored his advice and rushed to my grandmother’s body, hugged her and cried my heart out. For me, it was more important to be a good grandson that a ‘real man’.

Have you ever been in similar situations? Comment below or share with Love Matters (LM) on our Facebook page. If you have a specific question, please ask LM experts on our discussion forum.

*To protect the identity, names have been changed.
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An ambassador and trained facilitator under Eco Femme (a social enterprise working towards menstrual health in south India), Sanjina is also an active member of the MHM Collective- India and Menstrual Health Alliance- India. She has conducted Menstrual Health sessions in multiple government schools adopted by Rotary District 3240 as part of their WinS project in rural Bengal. She has also delivered training of trainers on SRHR, gender, sexuality and Menstruation for Tomorrow’s Foundation, Vikramshila Education Resource Society, Nirdhan trust and Micro Finance, Tollygunj Women In Need, Paint It Red in Kolkata.

Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

Saurabh has been associated with YKA as a user and has consistently been writing on the issue MHM and its intersectionality with other issues in the society. Now as an MHM Fellow with YKA, he’s launched the Right to Period campaign, which aims to ensure proper execution of MHM guidelines in Delhi’s schools.

The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

Read more about his campaign.

Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

Her campaign #MeriMarzi aims to promote menstrual health and wellness, hygiene and facilities for female sex workers in UP. She says, “Knowledge about natural body processes is a very basic human right. And for individuals whose occupation is providing sexual services, it becomes even more important.”

Meri Marzi aims to ensure sensitised, non-discriminatory health workers for the needs of female sex workers in the Suraksha Clinics under the UPSACS (Uttar Pradesh State AIDS Control Society) program by creating more dialogues and garnering public support for the cause of sex workers’ menstrual rights. The campaign will also ensure interventions with sex workers to clear misconceptions around overall hygiene management to ensure that results flow both ways.

Read more about her campaign.

MH Fellow Sabna comes with significant experience working with a range of development issues. A co-founder of Project Sakhi Saheli, which aims to combat period poverty and break menstrual taboos, Sabna has, in the past, worked on the issue of menstruation in urban slums of Delhi with women and adolescent girls. She and her team also released MenstraBook, with menstrastories and organised Menstra Tlk in the Delhi School of Social Work to create more conversations on menstruation.

With YKA MHM Fellow Vineet, Sabna launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society. As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Read more about her campaign. 

A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Find out more about the campaign here.

A native of Bhagalpur district – Bihar, Shalini Jha believes in equal rights for all genders and wants to work for a gender-equal and just society. In the past she’s had a year-long association as a community leader with Haiyya: Organise for Action’s Health Over Stigma campaign. She’s pursuing a Master’s in Literature with Ambedkar University, Delhi and as an MHM Fellow with YKA, recently launched ‘Project अल्हड़ (Alharh)’.

She says, “Bihar is ranked the lowest in India’s SDG Index 2019 for India. Hygienic and comfortable menstruation is a basic human right and sustainable development cannot be ensured if menstruators are deprived of their basic rights.” Project अल्हड़ (Alharh) aims to create a robust sensitised community in Bhagalpur to collectively spread awareness, break the taboo, debunk myths and initiate fearless conversations around menstruation. The campaign aims to reach at least 6000 adolescent girls from government and private schools in Baghalpur district in 2020.

Read more about the campaign here.

A psychologist and co-founder of a mental health NGO called Customize Cognition, Ritika forayed into the space of menstrual health and hygiene, sexual and reproductive healthcare and rights and gender equality as an MHM Fellow with YKA. She says, “The experience of working on MHM/SRHR and gender equality has been an enriching and eye-opening experience. I have learned what’s beneath the surface of the issue, be it awareness, lack of resources or disregard for trans men, who also menstruate.”

The Transmen-ses campaign aims to tackle the issue of silence and disregard for trans men’s menstruation needs, by mobilising gender sensitive health professionals and gender neutral restrooms in Lucknow.

Read more about the campaign here.

A Computer Science engineer by education, Nitisha started her career in the corporate sector, before realising she wanted to work in the development and social justice space. Since then, she has worked with Teach For India and Care India and is from the founding batch of Indian School of Development Management (ISDM), a one of its kind organisation creating leaders for the development sector through its experiential learning post graduate program.

As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

Let’s Talk Period aims to change this by

Find out more about her campaign here.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

A Gender Rights Activist working with the tribal and marginalized communities in india, Srilekha is a PhD scholar working on understanding body and sexuality among tribal girls, to fill the gaps in research around indigenous women and their stories. Srilekha has worked extensively at the grassroots level with community based organisations, through several advocacy initiatives around Gender, Mental Health, Menstrual Hygiene and Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights (SRHR) for the indigenous in Jharkhand, over the last 6 years.

Srilekha has also contributed to sustainable livelihood projects and legal aid programs for survivors of sex trafficking. She has been conducting research based programs on maternal health, mental health, gender based violence, sex and sexuality. Her interest lies in conducting workshops for young people on life skills, feminism, gender and sexuality, trauma, resilience and interpersonal relationships.

A Guwahati-based college student pursuing her Masters in Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Bidisha started the #BleedwithDignity campaign on the technology platform, demanding that the Government of Assam install
biodegradable sanitary pad vending machines in all government schools across the state. Her petition on has already gathered support from over 90000 people and continues to grow.

Bidisha was selected in’s flagship program ‘She Creates Change’ having run successful online advocacy
campaigns, which were widely recognised. Through the #BleedwithDignity campaign; she organised and celebrated World Menstrual Hygiene Day, 2019 in Guwahati, Assam by hosting a wall mural by collaborating with local organisations. The initiative was widely covered by national and local media, and the mural was later inaugurated by the event’s chief guest Commissioner of Guwahati Municipal Corporation (GMC) Debeswar Malakar, IAS.

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