Editor’s Note: This post is a part of What's A Man, a series exploring masculinity in India, in collaboration with Dr. Deepa Narayan. Join the conversation here!
PS: This article is satirical in nature. This is not good advice. Good advice would be doing the exact opposite of what this article suggests.
From the author’s of “Gaslighting Your Partner Like An Imtiaz Ali Protagonist”, comes our newest series from UC Cis-Het men giving advice, “The Kabir Singh Guide On Being A ‘Real’ Indian Man.’
As someone once said, you are the main character in the movie that is your life. With our tips and tricks, your movie is going to be the equivalent of a Bollywood Box-Office hit. Yeah, someone might call out your movie for being extremely misogynistic but just call them a Feminazi and move on. (imp!)
Your decision is the right decision, that’s what society has been telling you for ages, and guess what, they are right! Watch any movie or just look at every other Indian family, the twin combos of patriarchy and sexism will always keep your fragile male ego intact!
Blame your anger issues on the pressures of society but don’t realize that societal pressure on men is also caused by patriarchy.
You must take on all the pressure of earning, making the right decisions all the time, as well as sticking to society’s preconceived notions of what a masculine heterosexual man should be. Wait, you think this is a bad thing?
Made a transgression? Maybe you got too angry or raised your voice? Betrayed someone’s trust? Just blame it all on all the pressure work, family or society puts on you. It can never be your fault! There is nothing that your privilege won’t let you get away with within our society.
Bonus: If you are a man in a position of power or influence, you don’t even need one of those excuses to keep your job and social standing. Do the most regressive and offensive things, release a half-hearted apology (optional), and then do it again in a few months.
Wait, are all the pressures of society and your personal observations about your flaws getting to you? Do not address them in any way. Indian society will call you weak and you will be made fun of. Always remember that the Indian man is always right, never wrong, doesn’t think about emotions, and will be angry and abusive.
Whenever you feel any emotions or a desire to change, just push it all deep down, “man up”, and push through it.
Wait, what? You don’t want to be a bad person? You don’t want to follow these rules? Well, guess what, you have to. Anyone who doesn’t conform will be made to conform by society. Your forefathers didn’t instil centuries upon centuries of patriarchal societal norms and that Men’s Right Activist didn’t make the same sexist/transphobic/casteist/racist joke on his 1000 follower IG page for the millionth time for you to back out now.
PPS: Please do not follow any of this. Your identity is valid and you are valid regardless of what society says. Acknowledge your privileges and do better, and seek help if you need it.
PPPS: If you actually agree with this article and believe in things like #notallmen, then please read something other than Whatsapp Forwards.