While writing this post I still doubt whether it’s a good idea for me to put this part of me out here because it’s a topic that’s tricky to put into words and is something very personal to me — my struggle with confidence.
Even though I am quite sceptical about putting my struggle into words, a big part of me hopes that by writing this, someone out there reading this might be able to relate. And it might even help someone in some way and reassure them them they are not alone in this journey.
I believe different people have different definitions of confidence — being outgoing, being outspoken, feeling proud of yourself or it might be sharing your story and giving yourself a voice through different mediums.
I am going to pen all this from a perspective of a 27-year-old woman who has struggled a lot and is struggling to boost her self-esteem till today.
I have never been able to express myself very well and always found it difficult to give my opinion. I always had and may be still somewhere have public speaking fear. Being a woman, I always compare myself to other women out there who are beautiful, have clear skin, fair, nice lustrous hair and a fit body. Why do I do that? That’s because the society has made me think like that — let me strike that off — more because my own people (now acquaintances) gave me that inferiority complex. With time, I didn’t even realise when my self-esteem started going down.
Even during my school and college days, I never used to participate in class discussions because I was so under-confident and shy to say anything. I was scared of saying the wrong thing and embarrass myself, so I thought it was best not to say anything. At times, I also feel under-confident or shy to say anything or may be express myself when I am with my friends.
At home, I was a complete different person who would shout at the top of her voice in front of a room full of people who didn’t care about the world. But again when it came to public domain, I couldn’t be that confident person and although I tried so hard, I just found it really difficult to come out of my shell.
Issues with confidence is something a lot of people struggle to comprehend but it’s an inner-battle, which takes a long time to make sense of. Society is of the opinion that being a modern generation everyone would be super outgoing and opinionated but the reality is some of us still struggle with anxiety, social anxiety, lack of confidence in ourselves and so many other factors that prevent us from expressing ourselves the way we might want to.
Although I am making progress but sometimes there is something that holds me back, something that prevents me from being the confident person I know I am and can be. I might be a different person when I am talking on the phone but when I meet that person I might be the quietest. My friends say my biggest weakness is “being sweet” to “every person I meet or talk to”. And I do agree with them because no matter how sweet I am to someone most of them never seemed to like that sweetness of mine and back-stabbed me and made feel at my worse.
Today, I am working in one of the biggest media conglomerates as a journalist and I am going to complete almost five years in this field. All this makes me realise how far I have come. But yes, these things did not happen over night. There have been times when I didn’t believe in myself and felt like quitting (at times I still do!). I started comparing myself with others who were doing so well, seemed happy with their work and looked so confident. So with time, I have learned to push myself a little bit further and tell myself that if they can do it, I can do it too.
Well, though it hasn’t been an easy journey and I doubt it ever will when it comes to my confidence but I am trying my best to get there. I still might not be the most confident but my struggle is no longer a battle, it is just something I work on time to time.
So, all those people out there who struggle with lack of confidence, I want you to know that you are not alone and with time, you will find your way. You just have to believe in yourself and tell yourself constantly that you can do it — just like I did and still do. And if you get someone who supports you to build your self-confidence, call yourself the luckiest.
If people judge you, then let me. Because nobody will understand your journey until and unless they are in our shoes someday. 🙂