Written by Shashwat (he/him)
Growing up is tough, not just because one goes through teenage high school problems but also because of the changes within oneself. Growing up gay in a typical Hindu family is a lot tougher. I realised who I was in 9th grade.
A classmate approached me and asked me to go on a date with him (which was so-not-obvious). Firstly, I had never seen a guy asking another guy out. Secondly, he acted so straight the entire time.
I rejected his proposal, but when I went home, I was totally confused. I asked myself: “Come on! You don’t get asked out by guys that easily? Or are you pretty?”
Hence, I made the popular decision of looking it up on the web. I hadn’t felt more enlightened than this, and all of my childhood fantasies started to make sense. I guess the more we realise about ourselves, the more we want to explore.
The first person I came out to was my first ex-boyfriend, and later I came out to my friend. I started speaking about it quite often, from friends to family to bullies, and slowly began to face them.
Coming out publicly on my Instagram was the second hardest thing, as that’s when I was making myself open to criticism, hatred and opinions. I was petrified, but I was dying to throw some sass!
As a kid, my happiness was ephemeral. I’ve always had a void where once lived a little boy, who loved dresses, who was crazy about dolls, and wanted to cry out openly, dance freely, pose for pictures & smile. With time, he just got buried deep within.
Telling my mum was the hardest as I realised, for her, having a gay son is uglier than having a son who deals drugs. The almighty planned it perfectly to get me kicked out of my place. I managed somehow.
Out of everything that I faced, I believe the hardest pill to swallow is that your parents would rather be away from you forever, than try to accept you for who you are.
The little boy is still there and is a lot better. He has got some enchanting wings and is much free. With an effervescent persona and is smiling wide. Bruised up? Maybe. Tired? Maybe. Stopping? Not yet!
Saying it out loud because “it’s okay!”