“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.
I had a nightmare about the place I found myself, or shall I say, met myself again. Digital networking mediums like Clubhouse have impacted those who never really spoke up in multifarious ways.
Talking about my journey, initially, I used to speak at length about my personal trauma. Then I became vocal about issues that mattered to me. Those were the times I got harassed by vile humans before saying anything. I became traumatised.
I like staying in the shadows because, personally, the spotlight on me has mostly been a sign of either sympathy or oppression.
“PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions.” – Susan Pease Banitt.
I never wanted to be the centre of attention, or maybe I did? Now, I feel confused about my identity after having a lot of dialogue with humans. In this journey of confusion on Clubhouse, I made friends but lost some. I constantly struggled with my tendency to stay in the shadows yet shout for help. I ran away whenever someone genuinely appreciated me and I gave sarcastic replies to flattery.
“And by the way, everything in life is writable if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” – Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.
I started having nightmares, but they were bearable. But in this particular nightmare, there were my friends and acquaintances shouting at me for not fitting into the box they assumed I lived in.
Often, I found people being themselves, and one day, I met a person who was so ferocious about their stance that it resulted in long debates. I coined the term “Mananologue” for a man who spoke at length for the causes they believed in and everyone listened to them talking because apparently:
“I think there’s just one kind of folks. Folks.” – Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird.
So, I might never fit into any groups, but I will continue to write. I always said, “oflifesheiswriting”.