Why I refuse to let HIV get in the way of living life to the fullest

I found out I was HIV positive 10 years ago. I wasn’t always having safe sex, but I was scared to death of getting HIV. It was my biggest fear especially when you live in a conservative family in country like India. It took me a few years to fully analyze why I put myself at risk. Growing up, my mother destroyed any self worth I ever had. The only discussion I ever had with her about HIV was when I told her I might be positive. She said, “That’s what happens when you lead that lifestyle” as she was referring to the fact I am gay. The one time in my life I needed love and support from my mother, she let me down. I realized a few years after my diagnosis that I am a grown adult and it’s up to me make the best of the situation. Today I am very healthy and undetectable and my self confidence and self esteem are much better. I present myself in a very open and honest manner when it comes to online dating, etc. I feel it is important for everyone to stand up and not be ashamed of having HIV. The gay community has a lot to learn about tolerance. I have met guys who are HIV negative who were 100 percent okay with my HIV positive status. I have tried to talk to other HIV negative guys who won’t even respond to me. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is if things were different, and I was HIV negative, would I be willing to date a HIV positive guy? I honestly don’t know and that’s a hard pill to swallow. I can’t truly judge anyone else’s opinion about me if I don’t know how I would react in their shoes. I enjoy the fact that being open and honest allows me to teach others about HIV and set an example of someone who has no shame and isn’t hiding anything.I live in Delhi City and it seems that HIV is not discussed very openly within the community or the gay community. There are organizations and support groups and health care facilities that help tremendously but I would personally love to see more HIV positive people be open about their status and really show the world how many of us there are. Perhaps it would change the perception of what an HIV positive person looks like. The word “clean” is often used to describe a person who is disease and drug free. That can be very offensive. I have always fought and will continue to fight this disease to the best of my abilities. I have my strong days and I have my weak days. But I refuse to let HIV define me or prohibit me from having a happy life. I hope one day I can be a better advocate on a larger scale and spread the word about HIV awareness and how to live a healthy happy life with the disease. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had not contracted this disease. Would I be as healthy, strong and brave? Would I appreciate life to its fullest? I believe everything happens for a reason.I count my blessings that I did not live through that awful time. I have the ability to be healthy and strong now. Back then, people were not as fortunate. I worry that HIV negative gay men may not fully comprehend what it’s like to live with HIV today and old fears and stigma will come back and make it harder on us. All I can do is keep doing what I have been doing and hopefully influence others. But all HIV positive people need to unite and show a strong front. Stop hiding! You are not doing anyone or yourself any good. Stop making excuses. You have a obligation ethically and sometimes legally to let others know that you have this disease. But remember, HIV doesn’t define you. We owe it to the future of people living HIV to help rid the intolerance. We are not out of the woods yet and who knows what the future holds. Things could get better or they could get worse. Be positive, but be realistic. Have the right attitude, but don’t fool yourself. I hope my story helps someone out there.The worst obstacle for me is dealing with other people’s ignorance. I often hear people classify HIV as a disease, it’s a virus. I also often hear people talk negatively about people living with HIV, as if we don’t have emotional needs. Sadly, many in society still lack clarity on this virus because they don’t take the initiative to get educated. Instead, many allow what has been disseminated over the years via the media to define how they view the virus and those living with it. This is what creates the increased HIV infection rate. And although there are countless online and print resources available to those living with HIV, many neglect to reach out for them. This is why over the years I’ve grown less enthralled with trying to understand how this virus diminishes my immunity. It’s a waste of thought and precious time. Instead, I’ve learned to focus on bettering myself so that I can be healthy and happy and work to fight this stigma in my India and world. Being a young, gay man of conservative background was hard enough, but also being positive made it so much more challenging for me to feel accepted and loved and to feel like I was good enough. I’ve been dissed and rejected on numerous occasions once people found out I was positive. It made me feel dirty or like there was something wrong with me. It’s taken me a long time to accept myself, to build my strength mentally and spiritually and I still have a long way to go. But I’m learning to love myself more and I continue to keep my head up. I refuse to let HIV get in the way of living life to the fullest and finding real love. I want to do as much as I can to help fight for a cure for HIV/AIDS and educate people about the disease and fight against the stigmas connected to HIV/AIDS.