Breathlessness, dissociation, anxiety attack, panic attack, feeling lost, loneliness, anger – these are some of the few things I am feeling right now. It is not the first time I am feeling this way and I know it is not the last. The past month has not been easy.
“Beware of the destination syndrome“. “When you want to get your work done, you are all happy and chirpy, when it’s done you are triggered. While I understand that you have had trauma but not everything is traumatic and psychological“. “You get triggered very easily, how will you manage when you will become an entrepreneur. Life isn’t easy as an entrepreneur“. “What is the advantage of taking therapy if you can’t even make a conversation?“. “You always do this – trust people easily, you have a pattern. You become too giving, you’re doing the same thing that you did in the past“.
“The therapist has messed up your mind, how are you not grateful for your parents who think about you so much and put an effort to make healthy conversations. What kind of thoughts is your therapist is feeding you?“. “I don’t want you to become dependent on your therapist for life“. “Wo sirf tujhe ghuma raha hai (He is only tricking you), if he wished to make an effort, he would have done it already.” “I have seen depression videos multiple times, aur kitna karun and if you can’t see the changes in my behavior, it’s not my problem. If you get triggered, it’s your problem.”
All these statements are from people who mean a lot to me. While I understand they all care for me but these statements are messing with my head. And I know it is not their problem, but these statements are attacking my self-esteem and affecting my judgment so much that I may end up messing up existing or new relationships.
Now the question is why these statements question my judgment skills. It is because the trauma has caused my brain to doubt myself and the trigger brings back all the bad decisions I have taken in my life. These are the thoughts I get:
You will never heal. You can never be smart. You will always be dumb. You will always be like this – messed up, people will always take advantage of you. You aren’t smart enough to take care of yourself emotionally and physically.
The therapy has immensely helped me to identify the triggers and I am learning techniques to think logically. I process the thoughts in my mind and reassure myself that I may have taken bad decisions ( which we all do whether or not we experience trauma), but now I know how to deal with a bad decision. Therapy doesn’t make me a perfect person, but it makes me connect with myself in a better way. My therapist is not a decision-maker in my life. She helps me to identify the red flags, create boundaries with people who are toxic for me, gives me confidence, makes me a mentally healthy person, and deal with loss or sadness in a proper way
Creating Boundaries
It is very easy to be rude and not choose your words. But if you care about people you love, you will choose your words carefully whether or not they have depression, borderline personality disorder, or trauma. One needs to be sensitive towards other people in their life because the times are hard, especially when people are vocal about what affects them. Else it is really important to create boundaries. Creating healthy boundaries is important not only for the person who is creating the boundaries but also for the relationship to stay healthy.
I am always taught by my family that I still don’t know how to do things perfectly, how I am bad at identifying people’s bad intentions, people are going to leave me and most importantly I don’t know how to handle a conversation or do mature conversations. Guess what – no one is perfect. And so I must create healthy boundaries with people who make me doubt myself and constantly criticize me.
All of this doesn’t make me or my life any less normal. Normal for me is to be able to identify my issues and work on them to lead a balanced life. Normal doesn’t mean I am not allowed to fail or I should stop trying to search for love. So create boundaries with your friends or family, if needed.