Trigger Warning: Mentions of death due to cancer
The other day I was discussing with my therapist how difficult it was for a 12-year-old me to comprehend the sudden loss of my grandmother. It stemmed from the shock of watching her last breaths as well as the suddenness of how it happened. Though we all knew she had uterine cancer – we also thought she was getting better.
My grandmother’s cancer was detected about three years before her passing. As a result, the three years of taking care of her have been repressed mainly by me. However, I remember clearly how in her last few days, it became increasingly difficult for her to communicate coherently. The lack of communication ended with a sudden loss that has left a void too deep.
The Repetition Of Grief And Loss
Cut to a few years later. I was now in 9th grade. One evening, my best friend called me to tell me the doctors had detected a malignant tumour in her left thigh. The subconscious immediately thought of ways to take care of her. And I did. Through hand holdings and phone calls that spoke of affirmation.
We did receive the good news that her cancer had passed. Years passed, we grew estranged. Then, in my third year of college, I received a phone call from a mutual friend. My friend passed because her cancer had come back. I found myself stuck in a similar state of the suddenness of it all once again.
The Long-lasting Impacts Of Cancer On Friends And Families Of Patients
Cancer is a disease that holds you in a stronghold of years of grief. The grief does not pass for years to come after as well. It is a disease that does not come with a trigger warning but leaves you with trauma to unpack through very expensive therapy sessions.
I had gone through the process of repressing my friend’s death as well.
Years down the line, I find myself shaking while typing out this story as well.
The disease comes as such a strong wake-up call about the fragility of people you hold so close to your heart. You watch them struggle to smile for you while you do the same for them. There is hardly any winning at the end of the finish line for those who have lost the battle against the disease.
For me, the only solace I find nowadays is to hold on to a few items that my grandmother and my friend left behind, apart from the crippling guilt of not being able to do enough for them, of course. The disease also leaves you with an everlasting sense of loss and pain that one cannot possibly begin to fathom.
You watch your loved ones go through the pain of chemotherapy. You watch them struggle to communicate their last words to you but are incapable of doing so. The disease does not hinder the patient but those around them as well. Watching my grandmother slowly lose her coherence has left me unable to communicate to date.
How To Get Help If You Are Struggling With The Pain Of Loss
However, I do believe the pain does fade. You find comfort in the memory you hold close or friends who support you through processing the trauma of it all. Therapy has helped me come to terms with a lot of it. If you are struggling with a similar situation as me, I urge you to reach out for help.
It does not make you any less of a person. Caregiving drains and exhausts you. It is alright for you to step back and consider your health as well. Trust me, your loved ones will understand. Reach out for help from trusted adults, friends or professionals. Most importantly, hold your dear ones close while you both go through the ordeal of struggling with the disease. It helps both of you!