Getting older is a big deal! As you cross the 25th year of your life (or the 21st one if you are a woman), you are made to feel responsible—this means you have to start thinking about “settling down” in life. Even if you dodge the marriage question for a year or two, they come back to you with more force.
They come back to you under the cover of manipulative statements like: “shaadi sahi umar mein ho jaani chahiye, warna tum zindagi bhar akeli reh jaogi (marriage should happen at the right time or you will remain alone forever).”
All the aunties and girls around you start making you feel how special it is to get married, whine about your in-laws, and gossip about your husband’s weird habits.
Basically, none of them bothers to even consider the fact that you are educated and would like to have a professional life (or a career) as much as they want you to have a personal life.
Why Is Marriage The End Goal For Women?
Now, getting married may be a life-changing decision for both the people involved. But, as someone famously said: “It is just a part of life. It is not your whole life.” Nonetheless, every woman is made to believe that marriage is the end goal and the most important event of her life, from a very young age.
On the other hand, every man is told that every important decision he makes in life, be it regarding his career or the city he wants to live in, will decide if he will be able to find the “perfect bride” for himself.
Don’t you think that we are living under immense pressure–to be something we don’t necessarily want to be–for the sake of the concept of “marriage”?
I have been feeling it lately. Thus, I have been avoiding the “get married” talk for a long time. People have a lot of notions regarding why I don’t want to get married.
Marriage Is A Deeply Misogynistic Institution
For instance, my relatives think that I will have a problem with having in-laws. My parents think I am worried about if I will be able to work after marriage. My friends think that I am freaked out about whether or not my new family will understand my ideologies. My best friend thinks that it has something to do with my freedom to wear clothes.
I agree that these are a few things that I am concerned about, but my whole aversion does not rest on these shallow ideas. So, I want to humbly request them to stop wasting their energy in making me understand that not all families or partners are the same.
What none of them understand is that my problem is with the innate misogyny and male chauvinism that the institution carries. To simplify it further, what I mean to say is that once the so-called liberal family or husband/partner allows me to live freely, they have assumed the right to own my freedom.
So, I have the freedom to only do the things they want me to, and if I want to do anything else, I will have to ask for their permission. It beats me as to how the hell they are considered to be liberal in the first place.
Wives Follow Husbands, Why Not The Other Way Around?
For instance, if the husband gets a promotion and has to shift bases for that, it is assumed that the wife will follow. But, if the wife is presented with the same kind of opportunity, the wife will have to ask for permission before agreeing to take up the promotion.
Moreover, the husband will not be obligated to follow her to a new city. Thus, the obligations are biased in favour of one gender and binding on the other.
Not just this, the duties of a wife or daughter-in-law in a family, are specified to the extent that they are no more actions to show love or respect. They become a set of assigned tasks that you have to complete, up to the mark. These have been set in stone by your family, or nowadays, even daily soaps.
People have forgotten that it is not necessary for a woman to get married and slave for you, just because you think she is helpless. It is the choice of the woman to do so because she cares deeply for her parents, her partner and her family. What she does for the family is out of love and not out of responsibility.
Women Are Expected To Sacrifice And Compromise
So, the family needs to respect her for the same and stop taking her for granted. They should stop expecting her to keep on doing the things that she chose to do for the people around her because she can choose to refuse.
Stop believing that your wife will always cook meals for you, because she may choose not to do so. And, stop saying that you help the women in the kitchen because by cooking meals you are only helping yourself. It is not the duty of a woman to cook or look after her family. It is her choice.
Sacrifice is a word thrown around easily when it comes to women. I have, for so long, heard that women sacrifice their likes and dislike to adjust at their in-laws’ place. The other word people mention a lot, without actually trying to understand it, is compromise.
A lot of these sacrifices and compromises are expected of a woman. Now, men might say that it is not true. Men do a lot too. I never deny this, but you need to understand that where your adjustments end, that is where a women’s adjustments start.
Women Have To Change Everything About Themselves
It is a different case to accept the girl’s family as your own from a distance and call them on special occasions such as birthdays; and a whole other thing to change your taste buds to adapt to the new style of cooking in a new house.
Women change their names, surnames, identities, careers, interests, habits and ideologies, too, for their partners and in-laws. So, please don’t compare the sacrifice of your bachelor life to a woman’s sacrifice of herself.
You may argue that things are changing now and that the situation will become much better in the coming days. Then, my counter argument will be that I will marry in my next birth, when things will be at their best. I am not someone who can go about forgetting myself just for other people’s happiness.
Don’t I deserve to keep my thoughts, identity and opinions intact, even if I live with people who may not share the same views? (It has been working fine with my parents.) Why can’t I have a life with someone who respects me for what I am?
I Want To Live With Someone For The Sake Of Love
Also, why are there only two extremes: living alone or getting married and sacrificing yourself? Why can’t love be the reason for people to live together, and not marriage?
For me, love is what should bind me to a person and not the institution of marriage. If you need to have an external force driving your relationship, rather than love and respect for each other, then how would you even call it a relationship?
My concept of having a partner and living a peaceful life is simple. It is based on equality and love, not taking each other for granted. As long as the two individuals are growing and helping each other develop in the relationship, everything is good. Once that ends, it becomes toxic and poisonous.
Lastly, to all the girls and women who think they are self-sufficient, and don’t need a husband or a partner to fulfil their destinies: more power to you! It is okay to not want a life partner.