By no means is this post pessimistic in nature, in case you think so after reading the question in the title.
Last month, when I transitioned from 27-28, an epiphany hit me as an unmarried daughter to my very middle-class, not-so-educated parents of three daughters: I have to be the firstborn to bear the burden of ensuring my siblings have a good example in front of them to emulate.
The easy task here would be to continue the status quo and live life as per others’ whims and preferences. Am I sounding selfish?
But I would then be following the example of late millennials and GenZ now, for which I would definitely be applauded. However, the hyper-emotional creature in me — a self-made person who ventured on her own path in academic, professional and romantic space with less luck in the last category — feel a great sense of responsibility in ensuring the old ones in the family feel a great deal of satisfaction (howsoever temporary that is) by having a respectable position in society. And how they plan to achieve this is by ensuring that all their daughters get married before 30 within their caste and with a middle-class family in the nearby geography.
So the reader would ask, what’s the big mess about this? Isn’t this what all of us go through?
We all definitely can’t avoid ageism and constant scrutiny about the ways of our lives from everyone else around us, but the question is: should we give in to the demands of marriage just to have peace of mind in this already turbulent world? Or should we fight and be sidetracked to create more issues on our plate than the ones we are already dealing with in our professional, mental or physical space?
I still haven’t figured out the way out, for I definitely believe in the institution of marriage and would like the company of another human being with whom I could vibe. But the circumstances around marriage — be it dowry, the additional responsibility of the family, excessive dependency on a different family, the inability to support my own especially financially — is just too much of a trade-off to settle in our very society.
Would I be going through the same conundrum if I were a cis-gendered heterosexual male? Probably not, since my parents won’t have to accumulate savings to bear wedding costs, gold gifts for the bride’s family, a four-wheeler and some extra cash gifts. Also, I would be able to stay with my parents and take care of them and my younger siblings financially without anyone questioning it and would feel great about not abandoning my responsibility.
As a bonus perk, my family wouldn’t be in a hurry to find a partner for me, since ageism in marriage wouldn’t be as much applicable to me.