Trigger warning: mentions of body image issues, eating disorder
Several studies have found that body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) impacts nearly 1.7-2.9% of the general population—indicating that one in 50 people are insecure about their bodies. It took me an incredibly long time to realise that the concept of perfection itself is largely flawed.
When I was just nine years old, struggling with a hormonal imbalance that I knew close to nothing about and did not even acknowledge as an issue, I gained a considerable amount of weight.
I was nonchalant about this significant change in my appearance because I was never someone who derived their confidence, or judgements about one self, based on the way I look.
This was the case until I was called incredibly hurtful names that belittled me to an extent that I did not know was possible. Thereafter, I focused too closely, if I may say, on the flaws that I had.
“People Said Really Hurtful Things To Me”
I worked tirelessly to eliminate them, because I felt that there was something wrong and unusual about the way I was, oblivious to the fact that I was the furthest thing from the problem.
For years, looking in the mirror every day became an inconvenience for me—I would analyse each and every part of myself, and all the blemishes that disfigured me, not only physically, but emotionally too.
The fault lines that shattered my self-confidence, manipulated me into believing that I was nothing but a big, horrible mess.
“Why?”, I would get asked all the time. “Why do you feel like this?”, they would say. “It’s just weight, some extra flesh and cellulite. Get up and move a little, it will go.”
It wasn’t my weight that created this jaded, belittled interpretation I was beginning to develop of myself, but the spiteful remarks about my unconventional body and appearance that I was forced to hear ever so often.
“I Was Bogged Down By All The Negativity”
Every caustic word got to me. It felt like knives were constantly poking me. I have done it all: diets, excessive exercise, starvation.
I was on a spiraling slide that only went downhill, more slippery at each turn. I was losing cognizance of the person I was, at my core, and letting something as trivial as my physical appearance get to me.
Physical pain became a common and daily occurrence. Anything seemed more pleasant than having to deal with constant negativity… The same negativity that made me feel like I deserved less. The same negativity made me feel like I was lacking something.
The same negativity made me define an incredibly period in my life, spanning three years, based on a natural insecurity that was blown exceedingly out of proportion.
“I Realised That I Was NOT At Fault”
Tired, sluggish, moody, unpleasant, deathly pale—that was me. I felt beyond weak, not because of the considerable weight loss, but the fact I let the opinions of others get the best of me.
It was more about the fact that I had succumbed to a societal evil that tricked me into believing that I was at fault, when that was far from the case.
Memes about my body, that demeaned my body and were outrageously disrespectful, were made by people I held so dear. I had complete trust and faith in them. I thought they wouldn’t speak about anybody like that.
This incident further tampered with the way I perceived myself, until I realised that this was not, by any means, about me. And, it was in my hands to get out of this pathetic, self-loathing, and most importantly, untrue mess. I was undervaluing myself based on what others said.
“Learning To Love Yourself Takes Time”
Ultimately, and thankfully, with time, I realised that we all live under the impression that we are constantly being judged for our mistakes, flaws and shortcomings.
But, the reality is that people are so fixated on and preoccupied with fixing their own imperfections that they hardly ever notice yours.
It’s like building stamina. You run a mile on day one, and build it up by day five. Slowly but surely, I started to love myself, and let go of this unattainable, life-long ambition of being “perfect”.
I realised that all the snide and hurtful things that were said about me, were not really a reflection (or image) of who I was, but the insecurities of those people, who channelised them into nitpicking on my so-called flaws. This realisation was pretty perfect for me.
“You Deserve To Be Happy!”
For somebody who has lived her entire life with an abundance of love, blessings and absolutely no qualms to stress about, I let something as small as my own thoughts drive me to the brink of insanity, only because I felt like I did not deserve to take care of myself.
In all honesty, that is the worst thing one can ever do to themselves. So, please do not sell yourself short and give yourself the love you deserve. Remember: tranquility only comes from within, and I know it might take time, but you deserve to be happy!
Perfection is, in its essence, a warped and unimaginably complex concept. Nobody really knows its irrevocable depth beyond these few syllables. Yet, all of us strive—throughout our lives—to achieve it. We try to achieve something that simply doesn’t even exist.