In the month of love, I am 30 years old and wondering: what is love? Uff… Ishq? Mohabbat? Pyaar? Nope, love is understanding… Just!
I mean is it this easy to understand love? Understanding love takes years. It’s just a commitment, in a second, to go on till death.
To one, love may be false promises, while the other counterpart is already married to that one in their dreams.
Love is such a warm feeling, such an evident warmth. Then, why it is so complicated? Has it always been this complicated? Or has any change made it so? Aren’t these too many questions?
Love Has Evolved Over The Years
Changing times have indeed evolved the sense and meaning of this pretty little term called “love”. We question love now. Aren’t we questioning it?
Pyaar dosti hai. Pyaar zindagi hai. Pyaar azaadi hai ya pyaar barbadi hai?
Kya hai pyaar?
(Love is friendship. Love is life. Is love liberation or destruction?
What is love?)
Pyaar dosti hai: Does dosti (friend) see gender? Yeah, that is true we do have such statements like “ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte (a boy and girl can never be friends)”, but who cares?
Dosti never sees gender. Likewise, it is okay to let love thrive instead of hatred, irrespective of gender. Let who is in love chose their counterpart. Why impose on them, in the name of family honour, a relationship which has no meaning?
Tinder Loving Has Replaced Tender Loving
Love isn’t complicated, it’s just a deep feeling. It’s something that can be felt while sitting with your partner and not even conversing with them, while the both of you indulge in your respective work. Silence does speak!
It is hardly seen the same way though. Globalisation has not only given us job opportunities, but also the opportunity to click or swipe left (or right) on the person you want to hang out with.
The slow, tender love has now replaced by Tinder. I never say changing with time is bad, yet, changing or evolving the definition, or killing and suppressing it completely, is different.
Yes, even I have always wanted to choose my partner by myself and I did too, but playing with people’s hearts in the name of finding love was never on my mind.
In my opinion, love is more like a ladder to things you don’t have when you are single.
Is pyaar understanding, caring and maturity?
Love Knows No Bounds
On the other hand, love has also been turned into a race. Timing is also another factor when it comes to love. You can be 21, 23, 32, 44, 56 or 80. You can fall in love at any age. After all, ‘age is just a number’.
Now, when age doesn’t matter at all, then why in there is a line set by the society at large that the person belonging to a particular gender (the woman) has to be younger? Who says that a girl should always be younger?
In fact, in my opinion, it also does the least matter, if you understand each other. Love is not when Simran’s dad said “jaa, Simran, jaa. Jee le api zindagi! (go Simran, go. Live life on your own terms!)” because love is about mutual adjustments, compromises etc.
The courtship period, or love before marriage, is totally different. Real relationships are not a child’s play.
I have heard from an older person that, “If you don’t have enough money then the love walks out of the front door.”
By saying and repeating this here I don’t mean to say that money is the base of marriage, but yes, knowing finances is equally important for a marriage. Saying “I just need love” to survive won’t help in real life.
No Means No! Always Ask For Consent
Understanding and accepting the concept of no is important! In the name of love, we see things happening these days. “Things” are actually a lot, put together—following, harassing, abuse, attack, etc. This too, to any gender.
One should understand well that “no” is a complete sentence. Even after you were in a relationship with someone, and now, they say no to certain things then accept that. It won’t make you weak.
Just stop repeating “wanna be my chammak chalo?” again and again, when the other person has said no once.
Love is also about valuing personal choices. To love is definitely not to impose. If one loves someone, whether they want to change themselves or not is a personal choice. So, in the name of “love” or “family demands”, stop asking for certain changes that are actually way bigger for the other being.
Different Types Of Love
“Pragma” is the type of love I meant to advocate for, in the entire piece. This is “mature love”. Long-term couples (irrespective of gender) cultivate this by actively practising mutual commitment, compromise, and understanding.
There are other types of love. They are:
Philautia: This refers to self-love. I believe that before you love another human being, first practice this, to understand the right value of love in your life. I believe that you should love yourself in a way that you have no chance left of expecting something from someone.
Philia: This is the form of love we share with everyone, apart from our partner. It is a form of love without sexual intimacy.
Ludus: This is a beautiful term that refers to the beginning of love. Is is the romanticism (affection) we read in literature, before a dense intimacy develops.
Eros: This is utter sexual desire and passion. For this you must first have ludus. Without it, eros is not to be love. It’s just lust.