Welcome to this blog, hi! I am Dr Snehal Shrivastava, a dental surgeon and media professional, who is also passionate about performing arts and music. This is my introduction if you speak to “me”. But, when you speak to a relative of mine, here are the two words used to describe me: “still single”.
All the hard work done over the years barely finds a mention in front of these two words. After all, does anything matter in front of the great matrimonial ideal? Matrimony in India is not just an organic union of two souls in an official relationship. It is more than that.
Matrimony in India is a matter of one’s social status. A woman who is married at the right time receives relatively higher acceptance from the Indian society as compared to an unmarried one. And this reality hits hard even in the “progressive”, financial capital of India: Mumbai.
Mumbai has an aura of acceptance. It embraces every soul into its arms and takes them through its turmoil and buzz. However, even in this “modern” city, single women are made to feel as an outcast in several scenarios.
I Struggled To Find An Apartment In Mumbai
The prime scenario where I realized this harsh reality of perception towards single women was when I began house-hunting in this bustling city. I remember I had coordinated with multiple brokers, all of whom failed to find a simple 1BHK apartment.
Not because there were no options available. But, merely because a single woman was looking to live by herself on her own terms. Landlords spoke in shy gestures with brokers, asking if I will live by myself or if I have a husband.
The search went on for months. I toiled in the sun walking behind lanky brokers, some polite, some harsh. Pictures on nobroker.com flashed in my sleep as I shortlisted properties on the app.
Most people who listed their properties on the app were smart enough to post the good angles. The property looked super spacious on my mobile screen. But, as soon as I stepped in for a reality check, I could barely enter the society.
The Place Was As Big (Or Tiny) As A Matchbox
A bunch of gully boys playing cricket, chasing after each other in sweaty shirts and street dogs taking a piss right near the entrance. This was the scene at one of the “safe” societies that was hosting a property. A young chap wearing a cap emerged amidst the bunch of cricket boys. I stopped.
Till date, I had imagined house owners to be old, fussy, frustrated people walking with a stick and dentures maybe. But, this chap barely seemed anything like that. One hand in my bag, clasped to my defense (nail cutter), I followed him to see the property.
After all, I had spent so much time and energy to visit this “spacious: property. I climbed five floors as this building boasted of a “lift dus saal se aisa hi hai” (the lift has been like this for 10 years now) vibe.
The corners of the building on every floor had a unique graffiti of paan stains. On each floor, the stains got bigger and murkier. Upon reaching the property, which I had already rejected in my head, I glanced at the matchbox space that was smartly photographed for trapping fools like me.
Everything Was Going Well Till I Said I Would Be Living Alone
Once done, I snapped out of that space as fast as I could, called for an auto and left. Well, if you thought that was a long read, imagine ten times the experience of living through it.
Another landlord couple I met, were super nice. They gave me a warm smile, spoke about their dentures and took my dental advice. They even offered me chai. Everything was going well until the point I told them I would be living by myself.
They stopped sipping their chai in a dramatic, slow motion manner, as if I had asked for their kidneys… I knew it! This conservative couple was obviously looking for either a “pati-patni” family or a single woman who lives with her “female friend”. I sensed their trail of hypocrisy.
And then, finally, the landlady spoke with a stutter: “Aap society ko bolna aap family ke saath rehte ho (tell the society members that you live with your family).” I giggled! I thought she was joking. After a sip, I realised she was not.
All Landlords Can See Is That I Don’t Have A Husband
Shocked at how my marital status had suddenly changed their entire perception, I finished my chai and started my farewell speech: “Thanks for showing me around this nice house, but its completely unfurnished and needs a lot of work.”
Now, recently I noticed, a “phoolo phalo” (may you blossom and grow) family has moved in to the space. These married, “ideal” tenants are such morons that they dry clothes on the window grills every single day. But, how do these things matter!
Married couples, even if they are morons, are accepted by society just because they are tied in holy matrimony.
I don’t party; I don’t stay up late at night. I have a restricted friend circle and I keep the property clean even if someone else litters it. I speak to the sanitation workers; I pay my rent on time and clear my bills without any bargaining. But, ALL these things don’t matter to landlords. The only label they see hanging on my head is “single lady, no husband“.
Why Are Women Pushed To Get Married?
Sometimes I feel, half of India’s population gets married ONLY to find a good house in a “posh, upmarket” society. I wonder if they are happy though. My point is: why does one’s marital status affect perceptions, especially towards women?
Are women bound to get married as a rule of thumb? Not that I am against matrimony. God bless those who are happily married. But, why the judgement towards single women?
In most cases, not all, when a man is single at say, even 40, he is considered as a “career-driven, ambitious and hardworking man”. But, a woman is perceived as “pata nahi kaisi hai yeh ladki (lord knows what kind of a girl she is)” in hushed tones.
I think change must begin from our own mindsets. Every time, a relative taunts a woman with matrimony jibes, one must stand up, to shut them up politely. Probably then, change may begin. The decade long perception of matrimony as a status symbol will take time to fade away.
Nevertheless, change can begin, strongly and slowly. We definitely don’t want our coming generations to live in a world where they would be judged based on gender and personal relationships. Hope you enjoyed this read with a sip of cutting chai.
Share this with someone who may resonate with my thoughts. You never know, you might be helping someone feel less lonely in a world that is quick to corner people. For those single ladies looking for an independent space in Mumbai with a balcony: my prayers are with you!
Yours truly,
happily single Snehal