We live in a world where sex is considered a significant part of the relationship. We cannot imagine two people together without it. Our orthodox, traditional, conditioned mind refuses to accept anything other than heteronormative ideas.
But the fact is sex is just a part of a relationship. A relationship is way more than that; it’s about understanding, love, mutual respect and much more.
My partner is pan-romantic asexual, which means they are not limited to romantic choices. They love regardless of gender identity but are not sexually attracted to anyone. I vividly remember when we first met each other. They didn’t know they were pan-romantic asexual.
I remember we had booked an OYO room to spend time with each other and that’s when they had an outpouring of thoughts. They shared how they had never wanted to have sex. It was peer pressure that made them feel like it’s an important aspect of a relationship without which love won’t last. I asked, “Have you considered that you’re maybe asexual?” They read about it and realised that they are in fact asexual.
“Both Of Us Fall Under The Ace Spectrum”
They were panicking so bad before telling me, their voice trembling in fear that I might leave them over that. But I understood. I am a demisexual person, which means I cannot have an intimate relationship with someone unless I am emotionally involved with them. Both of us fall under the asexuality spectrum. I remember going to them and giving them a tight hug! Relationships aren’t just sex, but Indian society, specially, doesn’t understand that.
For a long time, we couldn’t tell anyone we are in a relationship because asexual relationship isn’t considered a relationship. Today, I’m open about it but my partner is still afraid of being open about it, and I get that.
I am lucky to have friends who are understanding and accepting, but outside of that, even I fear judgement. When at first I shared that my partner is panromantic, people commented “What sexuality is that?” “Are you having sex with a pan?” And even though it was supposed to be a joke, it cowed me.
My partner’s identity was not a joke for me.
“I Love My Partner No Matter What”
My partner is a brilliant lawyer, but they say they do not want anyone to know their identity or sexuality. Because between freedom and food on our plate, we choose food. We have spent nights where I have reassured them that I love them no matter what.
But society and social culture of sexuality and identity has bowed them down to a point where they can’t keep up. Lack of sex is seen as a death of a relationship. So you can presume why my partner would be in absolute depression when they came to know about their identity
Their fear indicates the society’s abysmal lack of awareness. It’s tough to accept our identities if we’re always told our identities are invalid.
India is a place that refuses to talk about sex, yet asexuality is frowned upon. Asexuals are the newest minority in India.
“My Partner’s Family Asks Us About Getting Married”
My partner often asks me whether we will last because they are so tired of seeing heteronormative representations that they don’t feel like their sexuality is valid. My partner thinks that if they hadn’t met me, they would have been doomed to unhappiness.
They wouldn’t have been able to find love and acceptance. They say that they are grateful to me. How do I make them understand that I am not doing them any favour? That they are valid. That they deserve love, and much more even without me.
Jay, the founder of Asexual Visibility and Education Network mirrors our thoughts when they say:
“I spent years struggling to accept myself as asexual, and when I finally did, I wanted to find other people like me. Many of us are told we can’t be happy or form meaningful relationships without sex, and I wanted us to be able to come together and share stories that proved otherwise.”
Oftentimes, my partner’s family asks when we are going to get married. One of my friend’s partner told me that me and my partner should have sex and see if it solves the problems. When I told him that I am in an asexual relationship, he was kind of flabbergasted that these things ‘exist’. I still don’t know if he thinks these are valid. Are sex and reproduction everything?
“The A In LGBTQIA+ Stands For Asexuality”
My partner and I share a beautiful relationship, should we feel invalid because we just do not have sex?
I don’t know to what end we will fight for ourselves. My partner has given up. Their sexual identity has scared them so much that they never want to come out with it. It is painful for them to even think. We have been there for each other, but we are afraid of seeking psychiatric help because they think doctors might see their asexuality as an illness. I wonder when we’ll be in a better position in our lives where we don’t have to hide things and lead dual lives anymore.
At this point, this story is not just my story of struggle in India. This is every one of us who is forced to hide under the closet of shame.
The A in LGBTQIA+ represents asexuality. Media representation at large can help shape the self-perception of young queers. But, finding representation of asexuality is close to impossible.
“Awareness Regarding Asexuality Is Minimal”
What is the media doing portraying sex as the final destination of a relationship? Asexual people also have rights. Rights of their sexuality getting validation instead of dismissive and disbelieved attitude.
Sexual and reproductive health rights are all the more important for people like us because we have none. More awareness regarding asexuality and more awareness of the validity of our identity is critical; more awareness that there are other ways to have a child except for sex.
I hope that, soon enough, India starts to see this identity as a valid one. It’s important that people like my partner feel safe and free to be who they are. And, they should not feel grateful that someone’s being ‘generous’ by being with them. Probably then, will our baatein be truly unlocked and uncensored.
Featured image is for representational purposes only. Photo credit: A Suitable Boy, IMDB.
Young people must have the agency and capacity to advocate for access to credible information and sexual and reproductive health services. Join us with #BaateinUnlocked to talk about everything “taboo” and break barriers around cultural and social norms across India. Share your story here.