School and life. As a science student it feels weird to see these two words in the same sentence. I get it, it sounds stereotypical and not all science students feel this way, but trust me a good amount us do feel this way and it’s sad at best. We study not because it’s fun to learn something new, but because we have tests and assignments overdue.
I know, it’s sounds cliche to say that studying is enjoyable but back in the 10th grade I actually liked biology and enjoyed physics, now these very subjects have become a burden. There’s no time to ‘like’ and ‘enjoy’ studies anymore, because if I do that I’d be left behind and crumpled into a ball of self-pity and suffocation. With no one but myself to blame because in this rat race I find myself running, stopping and waiting is not an option.
I look at the people around me, they know what they are doing and what they will be doing, and that, scares me even more. Not because I don’t know what I’ll be doing later, but because it makes me jealous and insecure. My jealousy scares me, my insecurity suffocates me. Because what if I’m not able to compete with them? What if I don’t become some good-enough? What if all this hard work goes to waste? What if…
The inner perfectionist in me wants to stay top of my class. It hates falling behind or looking stupid. It torments me day and night, and I take it all because there’s no other option now. Others will think I’m an idiot for giving up on these opportunities and I might regret this in the future, so maybe… I should just endure it all.
I study at school from 8 to 5, come home and complete my homework, spend my Sundays studying for exams and live a life that embarrasses me. To be honest, I don’t think I can call this living, I feel like I’m just surviving. I’m tensed and irritable, scared and sad. I want to live too, I want to have fun, to enjoy with friends and watch movies with my family. But it seems like I have no time for all that, why am I sacrificing my present for a future that might be filled with sacrifice and regret as well.
Sometimes I feel like I should choose another career path, but those YouTube videos about those careers give me a reality check. I wonder if they are too pessimistic but the comments below them make me realise that maybe they’re just realistic.
In this constant fear, I try to survive, to endure, because maybe I have no other option now.