Honestly, in my life span of less than 30 years, I am already tired of listening to people’s different definitions of feminism (when they clearly have no idea what it means), and people, especially men, explaining me how women and men are treated equally, and there is no discrimination left in society because they let or “permit” their wives to pursue their careers or let them go wherever or wear whatever their wives, daughters, sisters and girlfriends want.
Sometimes I want to show them a mirror and make them analyse what they say and how it is not even close to what feminism means. Saying the word “allow” or “I don’t mind her doing so and so” are the marks of hypocrisy, sexism and pseudo-feminism.
Only if men could walk through any other day in my or, as a matter of fact, any woman’s life! How we are constantly looked down, eve-teased, made to feel insignificant and discriminated against in our homes, workplaces and everywhere else, is something that men would hardly realise as they are so used to the hegemonic patterns. And even if you try to make them realise, some of them would claim it as the “natural role” of specific genders or would retort to saying that most of it is in your head. It is very demeaning to be treated or looked upon in a certain way just because you belong to a certain gender, race or caste and men would not realise that because they are not at the receiving end of it.
And so even people, who claim to have read and practised gender equality, do not understand how easily they are misled by the idealistic notions to oppose patriarchy. Few men are staunch believers that when the basic equation of earning money is balanced in a family, they have solved gender discrimination. Women having access and agency to economic independence is not enough to demolish the existing patriarchal systems. There are so many things that a so-called modern, educated man, who believes in equality, will do and say that would show that he is a pseudo-feminist or basically a male chauvinist.
The most common thing that is said to any woman who calls herself an independent individual or a feminist is – “So you call yourself a feminist and you still wear a saree, bindi or hijab?”
The whole concept of deciding the clothes, career, behaviour or anything for a woman is nothing different than mansplaining the concepts of feminism to a woman. So, if I am comfortable in wearing a hijab or a pallu, it is my choice to make. Nobody, not even the Supreme Court, should be the one deciding on what a woman is allowed to wear in public.
When you want to discard the authority of patriarchy or any other ideology over a woman, substituting it with another institution is not the answer to the problem. Of course, the move was not to liberate the woman, but to increase communal hatred towards a particular religion, but even the educated people got lost in the manipulations.
And moreover, burdening me into believing that I need to be a perfect feminist to rescue myself from my problems is also a false notion. Yes, I do need feminism to answer my questions. But it is for me to decide if I would like to identify myself as a particular gender, if I am proud of my gender identity and if it makes me feel secure. I remember, during my college days, I started looking at myself through my peers’ eyes and started questioning my behaviour towards myself in terms of ideology and theory. We need to first understand that we have to decide our own likes and dislikes. Whether you like to wear feminine or masculine clothes or whether you identify yourself with any gender and sexuality is for you to decide. And that is the freedom that feminism talks about and stands for.
Another misunderstood conception about this debate is the concept of feminism. What started with a movement to liberate women, now focuses on gender equality. There are new genders emerging today and people identify themselves in many different ways. And thus, giving way to a lot of new ways of discrimination and new marginalised communities. I understand that there are a lot of new terms emerging everyday but feminism is an all-inclusive term. Moreover, men in this age need feminism too. The burden of being a sole breadwinner for the family in this expensive world is demanding too much from one gender and creating a perception of giving leverage to another. Men need to understand that it is not a gender trait to be emotional or tough, but an individual choice and they can choose to be any of it. The economical as well as emotional burdens can be shared with every member of the family and they do not need to face the whole brunt alone.
The perception that women are meant to do some things and they cannot function outside that border not only limits women, but limits the possibilities of better management of the household altogether. There are different patterns of every household in which they practice gender biasness. We are aware of the preference for a male child, spending more on son’s education than daughter’s, control over women’s clothing, career, habits and even thoughts. And it is not an exaggeration that the thoughts of women are controlled by family or society. They have been made to think little of themselves. For instance, women are bad drivers. Intimidating women into thinking that they are weak makes them lose their confidence. How do you blame women, when you have never given her equal chances and treatment to develop the confidence to master an important skill? Just saying that “we treat our daughters equally as sons” would not even bridge the discrimination gap.
Feminism And Pop Culture
I would like to take this discussion forward by talking about the very prevalent question – Is feminism still relevant in this day and time? If my above arguments and examples haven’t answered your question, then I would like to once again go to our movie industries to prove my point.
Leaving a handful of women protagonist movies, how many mainstream commercial movies have fierce, dominating, major women characters? (Inclusive of all the film industries in every Indian language.) Both in real and reel life, the roles of women in society are emphasised more than their existence. Even in the women protagonist movies, women are objectified with voluptuous and glittery clothes for an item song. If we are still creating an inferior space for one gender and glorifying and selling it to the masses, it is surely creating an impact on the minds of people.
Not only does it encourage inappropriate behaviour of men towards women and other genders, but it creates a sense of insecurity in the other gender/s and restricts their actions and movements. Speaking from personal experience, when I was asked if I was afraid of ghosts, I replied that I am afraid of humans more than ghosts. And it is still true to the day. I can’t think of travelling alone most of the time because I am not sure if I can even trust my own friends. One of my friends had gone to the extent of putting in words what we feel when someone looks at us in a perverse manner. He said that men would rape me with their eyes merely because I am that beautiful. I am still confused on how to react to this statement or to the ways people drool over me or any other women. (Felt utterly disgusted and horrified!)
And still I am asked why women are raising their voices for the concerns that they have never ever faced in their lives. Why do I claim that every woman in the country for at least once in their life has an experience of a bad touch or eve-teasing or some form of sexual harassment? Why am I a feminist? Why do I always look at things from the same lenses? The answers are not acceptable to men as the answers make them feel uneasy and portray them in a shady light. But that doesn’t falsify our experiences. I never say that every man is like that, but then mothers should not ask their daughters to wear full pants in front of the men in their houses, because it makes women scared of their own male family members.
“Not all men” will be valid only when no parent would be scared when their daughters go out of the house at any time of the day/night; when the roles, salaries, character judgements would not be decided on your gender and rather based on your performance and actions; when women would not have to cover themselves up or feel ashamed or scared to walk on road at any point of time.