‘You are setting an example for other women on how to break the glass ceiling’ my very enthusiastic coworker told me this when I was quite demotivated with the way things were at work.
The last few months have been horrifying even though I did kind off break the glass ceiling when it all began. From a regular employee, I was now leading & managing a team. A pay hike and a promotion – my parents have never been so proud of their daughter.
All the motivational talks and books on feminism seem to have taught me to break the glass ceiling but none of them told us what to do after that. A female leading a team is quite an inconvenience to many. In a room full of all male leads they will still treat females as subordinates not equals. You will need a male senior to convince your bosses that whatever you’re saying is correct. You need another man to help you assert that you are worthy of your post and have the skills to complete the work. You have to thank a helpful male colleague for his support because one can’t make it this far without them. But he can make it anywhere without a woman.
So, if you think you have finally made it after years of struggle, guess what you haven’t. You just advanced to the next level of fighting the same patriarchal mindset.
I still remember my days working at a local government office. I was too excited to work for the public. I packed my bags and was all set with my ideas and enthusiasm to reach that office only to find that there was no washroom for women. There was no washroom for men but just one common washroom for all employees – all men. I asked the peon ” Bhaiya ladies ke liye washroom nahi hai kya?” to which he very casually responded, “Madam, ladies log kahan ata hai idhar”. It only meant that only men worked here so OBVIOUSLY, we don’t need a female washroom. “Chalo koi nahi” was my innocent response to the entire situation and proceeded to the male.. I mean the common washroom with 3 urinals, 1 toilet cabin, no dustbin and a handwash soap dispenser which was basically 2% soap and 98% water. The next day I had no option but to “feminize” the washroom with a box of tissues, refilled the soap dispenser and a dustbin with a disposable bag. The reactions of others after this ‘makeover’ were no less than from those ‘home makeover’ type TV shows I watched as a teen. ‘This is why we need women, they just come here and make the place better’ said one of the coworkers. Excuse me??? Is this why I’m here? The backhanded compliment was enraging but I knew that I couldn’t pick up a fight on the very first day and I did the most terrible thing I could do – shut up and move on with a smile as if nothing happened.
Soon after I was promoted to a much more competitive environment of digital media and public relations which required working late hours, early meetings and cutthroat deadlines.
I felt quite lucky that I was getting these opportunities where I can learn and gain expertise only to find out that I was working again in an all-male team. I had to again start from scratch to set up a washroom with a dustbin and soap… you understand the drill.
The thing about working in an all-male work environment is that you’ll feel excluded and lonely most of the time. They will casually not send you an invite for a lunch out or will forget that you exist if you take a leave for a day. They will have their own jokes and laughs which they think you wouldn’t understand because you are GIRL.
When it came to working I realised that the pressure and stakes here are too high. I will have to “level up” just like my colleagues which includes that I can’t take period leaves even if I’m in pain. I will have to show up at work at whatever time just like these guys. I will have to figure out how to manage my housework with office work and how to safely go back home late at night. I will have to push myself if I have to be treated ‘equally’ here. Working in media and social media means constant availability and I have to shed my what they call ‘ feminine demands’ and be there.
Travelling home late at night was something that doesn’t bother a man as much as it bothers a woman. So naturally, I had the same anxiety over my safety. The constant calls from home to know ‘ where have you reached?’, and ‘send your live location’ made the whole day seem longer and more tiring than it already was. I couldn’t see my parents stressed out whenever I worked late. So instead of coming home late at night, I thought why not carry a pair of clothes to the office on days when I had to work late? I thought it was safer to lock a room at the office and be there till morning than induce anxiety upon myself and my parents while travelling back alone late at night. I will be honest that this was a terrible band-aid solution to all the problems. I was not thinking and making quick fixes.
Looking back at all this I realised how much oppression and pressure I endured just to get something which men get without much hassle. I was getting paid the same as the men then am I feeling so much more pressurised and stressed than they are. I was in a state of constant self-doubt. Am I just making up scenarios where I feel like I am the victim of gender oppression? or is there exists a passive-aggressive sort of oppression which has no textbook definition?
My self-doubt came from the fact that I was constantly told that the fight is about us (women) not getting equal pay and equal opportunities as men. But here am I getting promoted and paid but feeling worn out
‘Maybe it is me’ was my final conclusion as I was getting gaslit by a female friend who said ‘ girl, you can’t expect equality if you will start taking leaves during periods or the fact that you have some housework which you can’t bail out from. You will have to learn how to travel alone at odd hours. Many girls do it, why can’t you? You know A guy won’t take leave if he has a headache or fever’. So the next few years I worked like a man and am not proud of it. The starting line of this race was not equal even though it was theoretically equal in terms of pay and position. It never felt that way.
You can break this glass ceiling but you are barefoot. You still have to walk on the pieces of shattered glass. The hike in my pay and elevation in the organisation meant little to the people around me. The struggle will continue but the added pressure is of being the only woman to have made it this far from the bottom. This means that your actions, behaviour and performance will be used as a yardstick to measure all women in the organisation. All in all, one wrong word, and one poor performance will automatically mean that all women in the organisation are as terrible as SAUMYA. Saumya will now be the new unit to measure the performances of all women.
Some will say that I may have created this pressure on myself and nobody has actually burdened me with this responsibility on behalf of all women but it is all in this subliminal messaging and backdoor conversations that make you realise that every woman has a responsibility towards the other.
Coming back to my motivating coworker. He was doing a great job with his positive speech while I gave him a worn-out smile of helplessness and thanked him for his kindness.
Finally, I would like to clarify that yes there are still many workplaces in many sectors with fewer women. So less that you can count them on your fingers. And yes, you need the support of male colleagues as well but they will never require yours. Sometimes, the textbook examples of ‘leaning in’, ‘breaking the glass ceiling’ & ‘equal pay’ won’t fit your case and you will have to find and define your own feminism & power based on your circumstances.