TW- Mentions Of Suicide
Being diagnosed HIV positive was the best and worst thing ever to happen to me. That is to say, nobody wants to live with this disease, but I feel that post diagnosis, my life was able to do a U-turn, and I got a second chance, a road to recovery. Talking about myself typically does not come easy, especially when it is highly personal. It makes me feel like I am being disingenuous. It is uncomfortable especially when you are living in capital city like Delhi and in a conservative Indian society, It is normal enough to feel this way, right?
Talking even writing about the day I learned my status still feels traumatic. In general, that entire year was traumatic. You feel like life is going your way for once. You find love. You find contentment. You feel happy when you haven’t felt that way in a long time. Your personal life feels good. But HIV does not discriminate based on your upbringing, race, status or anything.
You are diagnosed with HIV. Your boyfriend says he still loves you and that this does not change how he feels for you. But then he leaves you anyway, out of his own fear. Work becomes unbearable. You are consumed by shame, hate and anger at yourself. Drugs and alcohol seem the way out. And for me, eventually, so did suicide.
Yes, I am extremely guilty of sexual irresponsibility. It is easy to be irresponsible, almost fun, even. With sex, it is easy to try to be careful. But in my experience, if you’re just trying, you’re not being responsible.
It took a while, but being open and honest about my status became important to me. It was more difficult than coming out of the closet. It is a different process for each person.The past few years have really shown me that you cannot predict what will happen in life. You can try and plan it out, but, in the end, all those plans can be dashed. Life throws curveballs that are swift and challenging.Today, I embrace my new life as an agent of change. My dreams didn’t die when I got my diagnosis, but they did evolve to reflect my new reality. Despite leaving the past , my faith , my beliefs, I am very spiritual and whatever higher power is out there, I just don’t believe she would punish people for being who they are. I am exactly who I was always meant to be: a queer, biracial, Indian , HIV Positive human.
When you are first diagnosed, it feels like you have been given a life sentence. You feel isolated and alone. You are left within the whirlwind of your thoughts and emotions. It is a mental and emotional roller coaster of coming to terms with the new reality that you have HIV. Though it can be seen as a life sentence in terms of it being a lifelong medical condition, you remain free. This is one of many chapters in your life, with much of the journey and its conclusion still to be written. It is a new chapter and a new beginning of self-awareness, individual purpose and happiness.
Living with this chronic condition undoubtedly has its calm waters and turbulent storms, but it doesn’t define who you are. On your journey through life, you have the power to chart your course. That being said, turn living with HIV from a perceived weakness into a strength. Recognise HIV for what it is, but also have the realisation that it has brought forth positive change in your life. I know this to be true because I too am HIV positive. With one step at a time forward, let us enjoy this journey together.
But the journey does get better. It gets easier. Life will feel normal again. But for many people, shame, hate and anger remain. I’m sharing my story so hopefully others won’t have to feel that way. I channeled my own shame, hate and anger and directed it at the bigger picture.I refused to let HIV control or define me. My solution was to control and define HIV instead. For me, I chose to be part of my own solution.