When asked about what the word ‘family’ means to them, one might answer a father, a mother, and their children – an ideal cisgender-heterosexual nuclear family. From healthcare commercials to 8 PM soap operas, that is what every child has grown up with. I grew up in a cisgender-heterosexual family myself, but there was nothing ideal about it. My family had all the members ‘necessary’ to constitute a family unit but there was no love and trust.
I had learnt about love from my community, my mother, my friends and my partner. It made me wonder if they called my family the ‘perfect structure’. Is a family only a father, a mother and the children they procreated? The arguments made against same-sex marriages in the Supreme Court were not unexpected as different religious and governmental organisations claimed it would cause severe emotional and psychological problems to the children in queer families. But how much of it is true?
Expanding the Limited Definition of a ‘Family’
When it comes to queer parenthood, the family dynamics are established along the lines of equality with partners sharing responsibilities. Families exist alongside other organisations and institutions which uphold the normative idea of gender and sexuality and the existence of queer families breaks these ideas. There is more freedom and more understanding.
“My children have been my backbone. They are proud of having two fathers and have never tried to hide it. They understand that their family is not stereotypical but they are happy,” says Fred Rogers, who is a queer and trans affirmative counsellor by profession and a trans rights activist, working for transmasculine inclusion along all walks of life.
Fred talks about how the family dynamics have changed after his coming out and transitioning. He mentions that even though it may not have changed a lot for him as he had always been the primary caretaker, it must have for his children and ex-spouse. After a divorce, Fred and his ex-spouse decided to live under the same roof to parent their children. Neither his children nor his ex-spouse misgender or deadname him.
In a non-confirmative environment built outside the binary expectations of parenthood, the roles of both the parents and children are redefined. A safe space is built where new ideas and conversations are encouraged. According to a survey by the GAY TIMES, queer families spoke of the alternative and non-confirmative approach to parenting that brought more acceptance and a sense of tolerance. With more visibility and open discussions about different identities, children grow up in an environment where gender stereotypes and heteronormative roles are not forced.
“Today, my children and I can discuss anything and everything. In that way, I’ve created a safe space, which was never there for me with my parents.” For Fred, parenthood is all about making a safe and comfortable space for everyone. “They have a greater understanding of how patriarchy works, about LGBTQIA+ rights and different feminist movements.”
After his transition, Fred asked his children to refer to him as ‘Appa’ in Tamil or ‘Daddy’. He used a lot of animated videos and books to teach them about his identity and both his children were very supportive throughout the journey. The children became his allies by correcting anyone who misgendered or deadnamed him and supported him during his post-transition recovery.
Building a Safe Space
Radz (they/them) is a trans and queer person and they describe their guardianship as an ongoing process of learning and unlearning. As they describe it, growing up in an emotionally stunted and oppressor caste family, Radz did not feel comfortable talking about their mental health issues, their gender identity or any other problems. For them, their child and community come first.
“I’m not worth a price tag that you can flaunt to your siblings. When they can pick the Brahmin community over me, I can pick the LGBTQ community over them as well. Even in the future, I will pick my child over my parents. Because my parents also picked the world over me.”
Fred recalls one of his happiest memories when both of his children had prepared a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ card. “That moment gave me such euphoria because it was not just the validation but also how they expressed their love and affection for me and their respect for my identity. Parenthood is an ongoing process where I learn new things as my kids grow.”
In a patriarchal and heteronormative society filled with systemic hatred towards queerness, queer parenthood is a radical symbol of love. Radz mentions that for them queerness was not just their gender identity and sexuality but their left-handedness and having curled hair as well. Queerness is everything that challenges the normative identity.
This alternative approach also helps break the cycles of intergenerational trauma. In a queer family, children are encouraged to adopt new ideas and learn about differences without the pressure to adjust to a stereotype. Queer parenthood in that sense changes the definition of the most fundamental unit of society, where we choose and create our support systems. The conventional idea of a family—a man, a woman and a child, is broken.
As Radz says, “You can have a family with your cats, with your plants, with your dog. And that is also a family.”
Promoting Inclusivity and Accessibility
It is disheartening to see how slow the progress is when it comes to queer rights in India and how our right to marry and have children is such a huge debate. However, it is not just limited to queer individuals—parenting rights concern almost everyone on different scales. For example, a cisgender man cannot adopt a child who is assigned female at birth.
Since the lawmakers do not have a better understanding of different identities, the laws are very binary and limiting even for cisgender and heterosexual people. When discussing today’s legal landscape concerning LGBTQIA+ rights, Fred mentions that we still have a long way to go. With the Supreme Court ruling against marriage equality, same-sex couples still cannot adopt a child together.
Another thing to add is how gender dysphoria is seen in the medical field, where it is labelled as a mental disorder, stigmatising transgender people as incapable of raising children. It promotes a negative mindset and unnecessarily assumes that people with mental health issues should not become parents, hence taking away their rights.
Queer families face problems in getting access to public spaces or facilities as most of the time, they are very exclusionary. Accessibility to healthcare, housing, education and financial help needs to be there. Even the ability to rent a place, have access to healthcare, water, and electricity, to find a safe space, become difficult for queer individuals due to systemic discrimination.
There needs to be a systemic change to make institutions, resources and public spaces queer-affirming. Visibility and acceptance of differences can bring a change in the attitude. With open conversations and discussions, there can be progress. Awareness and tolerance for differences and acceptance can remove the stigma. From posters and policies to forms and advertisements, everything needs to be inclusive.
According to Radz, parenting is not affected by one’s identity. With an environment where healthy habits and discussions are encouraged, one can easily pass parenting. For Fred, the tag of a parent was not something he was born with. He became a parent when he birthed his children. It is a process of learning and unlearning. “Everybody deserves the right to be a parent irrespective of their identity. Their parenthood cannot be taken from them.”
The slow progress in acknowledging and protecting queer rights in India reflects a broader issue of rigid and binary legal frameworks that extend beyond the LGBTQIA+ community. The debate over the right to marry and have children is not only a concern for queer individuals but also highlights the limitations within cisgender and heterosexual spheres. The perspectives of parents like Radz and Fred emphasise that parenting is a universal experience not limited by one’s identity. Creating an environment that encourages healthy habits, discussions, and a commitment to learning and unlearning can pave the way for positive change. Ultimately, the right to be a parent should be recognized as a fundamental human right, irrespective of one’s identity.