I want to start with the grief of loss, loss of my purpose and my identity, self and damage I recieved from these capitalistic systems which reeks of systematic Oppression.
I joined this sector to spread kindness and learn kindness in different forms but working in this so called development sector has filled me with feeling pathetic, imposter, fake, bitter and spineless.
These so called social workers scream words like inclusion, community care and right based approach but all what the sector has done to me and my people is suffocate, pit marginalized identities against one another, proving our worth, skills, expertise and qualifications all the time.
This sector has made me feel extremely suicidal and same for many other people around me. My friends, fellow social worker and feminist sit with me in these unsaid feelings together in a circle of rage, grief, loss and with our diverse desent.
I never in my life imagined that supporting people with equity will turn out to be another capitalistic competition between the oppressed that proving I am worthy of doing social work will drown me.
I don’t know how anyone will take this or is it just me who is feeling lost or helpless but my experience of this sector is choking my throat and my lungs are filled with dirt, while I suffer with 100 other things like discrimination on the basis of religion, gender, mental illness, chronic illness along with Domestic violence in my actual real life which is already taking so much out of me and the only thing which kept me sane was practicing my activism, my feminism.
Currently to be honest it’s the only thing I don’t want to put my energy into as it has taken so much from me, my idea of existing together, trying together, failing together.
I am re-evaluating my idea of feminism these days that do I want to work to prove I am worthy enough to call myself a feminist through my research paper, intellectual ideas of oppression, correct way of facilitation or writing a report.
I want to practice radical care, acceptance and kindness and in the process of trying to prove my worth as a feminist and a social worker, I somehow snap and forget my core to be kind, I push down my need to be caring because I had to be 10 things in between.
My empathy is impacted, my need to ask for gentleness, support is affected because this toxic capitalist social sector is demanding suck it up behaviour, assertiveness, correct language, intellectualisation of realities, how to be a feminist when I am not allowed to be myself in this race of identities.
Tell me How do I carry my core values when this world is demanding me to prove my worth by pulling other people down competing with other marginalized people.
I came into this sector to be myself and this systematic oppression doesn’t allow Me to be Me and whenever I try to be myself either it’s not professional or not in the correct language. Sometimes I really feel either their frameworks doesn’t fit into my politics or I don’t fit into their systematic oppression.
I am just tired of suffocating myself, over explaining, justifying my life when all I desired was to be a better person and didn’t want to hurt anyone but the structure of this social sector’s politics, capitalistic work policies which doesn’t respect my uniqueness is just earning profits over my identity and has zero acceptance of my identity and lived realities.
I am so pissed at this academic white feminism into brown spaces whitewashing it’s capitalism and productivity on social workers rather than addressing systematic oppression and queer resistance.
I believe “Every Resistance Against Systematic Oppression is a Queer Resistance.”
The problem is that no one is listening to us because we are in a race of who is more oppressed, casteist identity politics and who are selling lived realities more skillfully and each oppressed identity has only become another marketing click bait for a donate now button for them.
I really am done with using right words, structure, agenda, curriculum because we have become this mere structure for them to fullfil their agenda of fame, greed and white brahaminical guilt.
Even while screaming my heart out I have to choose between my Agency and self respect as apparently money is really important to live a feminist life, a life on my own terms free of domestic violence and economic control.
One of my closest friend a (Dusadh Dalit activist) say to me that a person whose existence and reality in itself is political how can the system ask them to be politically correct and demean them for not being that.
Sad part is I entered into this sector to fight against the system but my reality has forced me to fight the systematic oppression inside the structure.
I want to tell all these Thekedar (contractors) of feminism that feminist movement are run by truth not by withholding information and questioning people’s self worth.
I chose to be a practicing social worker because I wanted to stay Kind and continue practicing it, unfortunately this sector has forced me to be unkind in various forced situations but I will not let this systematic oppression control and abuse me to the extent that I lose myself for the crumbs of recognition, power, money and lose the exact essence of what makes me, “Me”.
May be I have not been an absolute perfect Intersectional feminism myself and my question to each one of you reading this who is perfect anyways?!
I will not let this systematic oppression question my self worth anymore and take away my spirit thus I will keep fighting it with love and kindness.
No matter what I will be sharing my truth even if it makes anyone or everyone uncomfortable. This is how I am going to dissent and speak for my share of experience of this disgusting development sector.
I am going to die trying to make world kinder around me even when sometimes I will disappoint myself or other people around me.
I take full accountability for the mistakes I have made as a practicing feminist and mistakes I might make and not put myself on pedestal to be perfect but kind and full love not only to the people around me but myself as well.
Kindness will heal the world and yes I can’t dismantle the house of my masters with their tools as Audre Lorde said but whose gonna stop me from trying? I am building my own strategies and ways to deal with my grief of systematic oppression and it consists love, my queer resistance and rage which is the loss of love I never recieved and wasn’t able to give.
Watch me dismantle the patriarchal capitalism, abelism with my kindness and love.
I am obliged to Thank you my fellow feminist whose practice of collective care with me, fill me with courage and hope to break the systematic oppression together.
My fellow feminists are not afraid to have uncomfortable conversations, share their vulnerabilities and truth. They all believe in shinning, breaking and challenging these hollow structures together.
With love we rise, breakdown, rebuild and reimagine a world of kindness in solidarity of all those who came before me and will come after me.