We did a lot of wrong things that we shouldn’t have. I’ve even realised that we might have been perfectly in love with each other, but we wouldn’t have survived marriage. His dominant traits would have suffocated me, and I would have shut down. It’s perhaps a blessing that we are now apart.
The mistakes I made
Having lost my partner, I now know of a few things I shouldn’t have done.
1. I’m a woman who likes my peace, and I never get into confrontations. Be it his fault, or mine, I mentally forgave him and left out the heated conversations. I was wrong. I should have fought it out.
2. He was a soft-hearted man, and couldn’t take a rebuke. But he delivered harsh words well. I let him rebuke me, and in exchange never made a noise. I should have complained.
3. Never did I grumble when he couldn’t take time off to talk to me, neither did I nag him. We were in peace, hardly ever fought, and hence I thought we’d make it through.
4. He held an important position at his workplace, and I’m a student, trying to finish my studies. It was obvious that I wouldn’t have much to brag about at this stage. But he never missed a chance to show me that I was unsuccessful, which wasn’t true. I was still growing.
5. He never said how much he loved me. He always said, “I say it better when I don’t say it at all,” and I believed him. I shouldn’t have. I should have demanded his attention, and his affection, instead of being completely patient and tolerant.
6. He used to be away for days, and months, and then return to me as if nothing had happened. But when I got busy, he seemed to be infuriated.
7. He loved me, but his male ego always came between us. He never apologised. Never took his words back. He simply remained angry, and I had to pacify him.
The lessons we learnt
He lost me because of his arrogance, and because I made him believe that I wasn’t going anywhere. He lost me because of his pride and vanity, and failure to acknowledge me; also because he couldn’t forget the traumatic experiences in his past, and speculated that I’d repeat the same. He kept me at a distance.
We all grow in our relationships. We understand each other’s needs. For me, it was emotional growth, because I learnt that I was capable of loving. For him, it was positive too, because he learnt that he was capable of being loved. We now need the opposite experiences to finish our growth. I need to be loved, and he needs to love. I hope we both find our outcomes someday.
This article was first written by Tania Dey for Bonobology.com.