Darling, I wish,
I wish I could tell you.
I wish I could tell you why it took me so long to kiss you.
I wish I could tell you why being alone in a room makes my breathing heavy and hands sweat.
Why I don’t like crowds.
Why my eyes always look for escape routes wherever we go.
I wish I could tell you about him.
I wish I could tell you about the night in that dark room, when I couldn’t escape.
How I am still unable to escape.
I wish you would leave me, so that I wouldn’t have to face the fear of you being like him.
I wish I could say that I believe you when you say you love me.
I wish I could say I love you too.
I wish I could believe you when you tell me everything is alright
Nothing is okay.
Everything feels like a blur, a lie, a false hope, a false dream in this false world.
How can I explain why I can’t fall asleep at night, and when I do fall asleep,
I wake up shivering, like I was shivering that night.
How all I want is to hug you and cry and let it all out,
But I know you will ask me what’s wrong and I won’t have an answer.
But darling, I am trying.
I am trying to be more than a woman who survived.
I am trying to believe.
Believe that I can have better memories.
Believe that my life
Is not that one night.
It’s everything else that’s beautiful.
I am trying.
To love.
To replace trauma with hope.
But it’s hard.
It’s really hard.