It’s that time of the year where we’re consuming concerningly large amounts of hot chocolate and binging Gilmore Girls on Netflix (no? GO WATCH!). As I personally conquer a bare minimum of 6 episodes of GG daily, I’ve realized it’s not the quality education at Chilton or a cozy Stars Hollows I envy, it’s Rory and Lorelai’s intimate relationship.
While I don’t mean to imply that Western upbringing is ideal or superior in comparative terms, I can’t help but ponder incessantly why I don’t have a similar connection with my parents. So, here’s what I, as a teenager, think Indian parents should do better –
Before I get any flak, here are two things I want to clarify
- I don’t intend to generalize. I’ll be ecstatic if you never had to go through the things I mention below, but a gentle reminder that your opinions can’t invalidate my lived experiences (and vice-versa).
- I whole-heartedly acknowledge generational gaps and deep-rooted traditions. But when they come at the cost of children’s mental health, it’s important to remain cognizant of the fact that we make culture, culture doesn’t (shouldn’t) make us.
Now that that is out of the way, here we go :
1) Listen
Communication in Indian homes can often be one way – and worse yet, closed-ended. Under the facade of ‘we know what’s best’, parents often neglect to engage in healthy discourse with their children. Moms and Dads (and other non-binary titles you prefer for yourself) – I’m sure you have a rationale behind your decisions. Don’t be afraid to explain it when hit with inevitable ‘whys’ from your kid!
At this moment, it is important to understand that your child isn’t questioning your authority, they’re just trying to comprehend your reasoning. By banishing them to their room instead of conversing, you’re doing exactly what Stalin did (and we all know how that ended). It’s simple – make sure your youth’s voice is heard. Make it feel mattered. (@YKA Team, as Farhan Akhtar once famously said, ‘cheque bhijwa dena ghar pe(Send my cheque to my house‘) 🙂
Jokes aside and more importantly, let your child know that you are a safe space. Allow them to laugh, cry, and be angry – be there for them to channel their emotions, not suppress them.
2) Acknowledge
There are bound to be differences in opinions between you and your child. It takes 4 hours for a tweet to go viral today. Give a 20+ years age gap more credit, please. Your popular culture and lifestyle preferences are assuredly varied, but they need not be incompatible. Acknowledge the change that comes with changing times, and be open to it.
Let your child know that you’re a family that is brought together by traditions and move forward by pioneering ideas. Limit it, but don’t strip your child from enjoying things kids of this generation do – be it playing video games, wearing headphones and listening to rap, or taking a #selfie. The only time you have complete autonomy is if your child wants to dip french fries in ice cream, or top pineapples on pizza (just kidding!).
3) Appreciate
Indian parents, stop comparing your child’s performances in school and college to others.
I know you want what’s best for your kid, I don’t doubt it for a second. But understand that your kid is not you, so don’t use them to achieve dreams you couldn’t. Appreciate their individuality (without constantly comparing them to your neighbour’s child) and allow them to explore and choose the path they want to walk in life. I’m not one for subtleties – so here’s me telling you outright that ART IS A CAREER OPTION. A VALID ONE. PERIOD.
Moreover, reiterate to them that they’re more than a combination of chemicals and A* Grades, and who they are as a person, matters. Avoid labeling and fitting your children in tight moulds. Guidance is imperative, but after a point, allow them to shape themselves. Celebrate not just their victories, but their diligent efforts – be it in mastering Trigonometry or learning how to solve a Rubik’s cube.
4) Learn
Encourage questions and teach your child ‘how’ to think as opposed to ‘what’ to think – Indian boards are enough for that. Your child most likely worships you (or at least did). When you teach them to respect elders but hold them in contempt for respectfully speaking up against disrespect from elders, you’re being a hypocrite who doesn’t practice what they preach. This births distrust and subconsciously calls into question literally ALL that you have sermoned.
Your greater number of years on this planet comes with experience, and that’s invaluable. But don’t take offense if your child knows something you don’t, suggests more efficient ways to do things, or challenges stereotypes. Critical reasoning is vital for the growth of a child and by boxing them into a commando, you’re stripping them off their creative thinking skills. Take constructive criticism, and remain patient enough to explain otherwise. Learning, unlearning, relearning – it’s the circle of life and it’s key!
At the end of the day, you need to redefine and evaluate what ‘raising a child right’ means to you. But, if raising a disciplined kid who ticks Seema Aunty’s boxes is where your value judgment takes you, I suggest you reconsider.
And of course, you can question my credibility as non-parent writing this article. But I’m someone who can’t wait to leave for college and never turn back owing to the conditions my parents created at home (and no, I’m not your average rebel-without-a-cause teenager either, this feeling is substantiated and permanent). So take me seriously or don’t, but take me seriously.